Posted in Word Therapy

Happy Birthday You Sexy Bitch

Dear You,

Today you are two 21 year olds. You don’t feel any different. When you hit 40 it started to feel like you were running out of time and two years later you are still fighting that battle. The jowls are coming in as fast as the facial hair. Acceptance is slow coming despite all the damn Buzzfeed articles that say it is inevitable once you hit the four O. You still feel like a bad mother at the end of the day but always tell yourself tomorrow is a new day. You are writing more and that helps with the anxiety. And you have finally started to not be so hard on yourself because you know that is key to not being so hard on your kids.

It’s never been about how pretty you are.  But these days it’s more about how healthy you are and less about how  you look.  Sunscreen and baseball hats are non negotiable when you are outside. The stretchy jeans are starting to get a little tight so you might want to cut down on the 9 pm cookies. You considered retiring your bikini this year but decided that as long as you work out five days a week, you’re going to rock it. And don’t forget that yoga and meditation fixes everything.

Self awareness is a wonderful thing, positive or negative, it doesn’t matter. You can’t seem to hold onto female friendships and that’s okay. Don’t blame yourself for every little thing. You’re loud, opinionated, and strong. Not a lot of people can handle that. It’s not that you’re too much, it’s that they’re not enough. You have accepted that anxiety is a part of your life. But it will not control you. Don’t forget that, especially when you feel it trying to take over.

Motherhood is still and always will be hard. One day you will feel like you didn’t do something that your kids will talk about in therapy when they are older. You love your kids so much more than you ever thought you could. They are becoming their own persons and letting go of the control is becoming easier. Imperfectly made beds, wrinkled laundry from little hands folding it, and bedrooms cleaned but not to your Monica Gellar standards are all fine. They fight nonstop, as expected. This week’s spring break is a 5K and a sign of what’s to come. Summer will be the marathon and you can do it. It will involve a lot of swimming, deep breaths, and focusing on the end game: the first day of school (keep that vodka chilled).

Writing is still going. You reach for your notebook more than you don’t and that is a good thing. Don’t stop. You know that it helps. You know that you are meant to be a writer, even though you are always fighting those voices who tell you it’s too late. Keep going. It will be worth it.

Your goals before your next birthday are simple. You want to be paid to write. Hike more and learn to speak Spanish seem reasonable. And to certify your old lady status, you want to plant flowers and thrift furniture to refinish.

Happy birthday lady. You’ve come this far. Keep going. It will be okay.

 

Love,

Birthday picture

Me

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Author:

Making a mad dash for the happy. Stay hydrated my friends.

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