My eyes involuntarily fly open. The bedroom is dark but I can see a bit of light through the blinds. My husband and dogs are snoring, loud and out of sync. Thoughts race in my mind like the ticker at the bottom of a television news channel. Bills are due, money isn’t coming in fast enough, and the kids need stuff for school. My heart speeds up and I start to take deep breaths.
I pull my car into the turn lane behind a black minvan, the back windshield sporting Star Wars family stickers. I put the car into park along with the emergency brake. After 5 minutes the minvan moves up and I follow. I look over at the opposite pickup lane and see the car in the front, not moving. “Come on, turn! Don’t hold up the line dumb ass”, I say in the comfort of my car, the windows rolled up. I shift in my seat, letting out a breath when the car turns onto the school grounds. I inch forward for the next 10 minutes, trying to keep my head down when I’m not moving. Seeing a car in the pickup line not following the rules makes me tense up and scream internally. Pulling out of the school parking lot once my kiddos are in the car and buckled up means I can return to my normal self.
Both of the above situations are how anxiety affects me on a daily basis. I have always been high strung. I am a rule follower to a fault. If something is good happening in my life, a lot of the time I am thinking about what could go wrong. I am a control freak to keep my anxiety to a minimum. If I don’t see my kids with their class when I am there to pick them up from school, I automatically assume that somebody has taken them.
My husband posted this article on my Facebook page a couple of weeks ago:
As I read through the list it felt like the author was in my head. Half of them applied to me.
I mentioned in this post:
that the medicine has helped. But more helpful has been self awareness. Knowing that there is an answer for what is wrong with me has made me stand up taller. I don’t have to apologize for who I am. I can take things one day at a time. And when I wake up 35 minutes before the damn alarm goes off and my mind starts tripping, I can take control of the reins and tell myself it will pass.